It's as good a place as any to start. Hello, Reader. Many good things start with introductions, so let me introduce myself. Of course, I can't tell you my real name, I'm not going to throw my diary out there for the whole world to see and actually sign it. But, around the various internet spheres I call myself Dire Sloth. I used to draw a comic for these guys, but I'm in the midst of penning my resignation. I don't have the creative energy right now to stick to any sort of deadline, and my work sucks anyways.
Well that was depressing. Let's see...what else have I done of note? Not much in the internet-o-sphere, or nothing I can remember, which tends to be very little. IRL, I'm a 20-something person studying for a writing degree at a midwestern college. I already have a degree in graphic design, but I left that school feeling like I hadn't really learned shit. I could only find a job at Kinkos, which I told myself was because design houses just aren't hiring in this economy, but it was mainly because I still felt completely unprepared to work in a mainstream business. After I found out I was going to be fired, I convinced my parents to fund my second degree. I've got some vague idea of becoming a genre fiction writer after I graduate, though a classmate got me interested in working in the anime/manga/comic book industry, which would be the greatest thing forevers. Looking back on my life right now, I see a bunch of zeroes multiplying by themselves and maybe, just maybe, managing to improve.
This summer I took a mail-in class about journal writing, whose curriculum basically consisted of just that. It was a terribly hippie class, but I enjoyed it, and decided to start putting my thoughts on the internet afterward. Anything else? No, I don't really know what the name means, either.
I'm going to mention this blog on my Facebook page, but because I feel like pretending to be clever, I'm going to put it in a simple cypher first. Let me work it out here.
Worlds On Hinges
ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWXYZ
RT CzroEix Bpo JrsxDkiw
Well, I can't think of anything else to say right now, so here's a good recipe my mum gave me, as presented in the format of a pretentious RPG intro scene.
Hark, brave heroes, and hear me well! Upon this parchment is inscribed the one true recipe to the legendary Teriyaki Pork and Vegetable with Noodle dish passed down my line for generations untold! Study its secrets well, and thou shalt haveth the skill to forge a wondrous dish fit for the very gods!
First! Thou must travel to the four corners to the globe and beyond to gather the sacred ingredients necessary for this most auspicious dish! As foretold by the legendary Prophets of the Fiery Mountains and transcribed upon the Golden Tablets of Lagasse, they are:
-A gilded chest of uncooked spaghetti!
-Four leeks picked freshly from the fields of Elysium!
-A vial of the rarest, blackest Oil of Sesame!
-A whole bell pepper whose color matches the blood of a slain dragon!
-Two chunks of flesh hewn from the loins of a vicious wild boar, cleaved into strips no more or less than a fourth of an inch thick!
-Three and one-half ounces of the mythic shitake mushroom, which can only be found in the trackless wilderness of the mountains of the far east (or next to the lettuce at your local supermarket)!
-A flask of the richest teriyaki sauce! (Wizards and others with weak constitutions would be well served to seekth out a low-sodium variant)
-And lastly, the most vital and deadly ingredient: a measure of chili garlic sauce, raided from the impenetrable fortress of the legendarily brutal warlord, Lee Kum Kee!
Should thouthst surviveth the gathering of these ingredients, then taketh thou to thine wizard's workshop, and fire up his forge! The steps thou shouldth taketh are as thus:
Firstly! Thou must fill the iron helm of a great hero with spring water, and cook eight ounces of spaghetti within! At the same time, thou must take up thine blade, and sever the heads of the green onions, dicing them and slicing their bodies into fine discs! Hark! For while the heads of the leeks must keep company with the rest of the vegetables, the emerald discs can not meet with any other ingredients for the rest of the journey! Mark these words well, for many a noble hero has met his end failing this crucial step!
Now, taketh up the shitake mushrooms, and slice apart their fruiting bodies. The heads, fool! Discard the stems by the side of the road, for they are far too unyielding to have a place in this company! Nextly, cleave the red pepper in twain, and slice it apart as fine as you can. Do not dally, however, for time grows short, and should the spaghetti be burnt all will be lost, and the lands shall be enveloped by the dark shadow of hunger forevermore! Now, get yea the spaghetti and drain it. But first! Get yea a measuring cup, and thrust it into the pot's steaming bowels, drawing forth one fourth of a cup of the liquid therein! Next, thou shalst take up a skillet of iron, within which yea shall saute the heads of the leeks along with the peppers and mushrooms upon a pool of exactly one tablespoon of sesame oil over medium-high heat! Though the heat and searing spatters of oil will test thine endurance to the limits, thou must prevail for no less than three minutes, or until the pork has darkened to a golden brown!
Hark, hero, for the end of your quest is within sight! Taketh up the liquid drawn from the pasta and mix it together with one third of a cup of teriyaki sauce and four teaspoons of chili garlic sauce. Take care! For once this potent elixir is properly mixed, its fumes may drive a grown man from their senses! Now, the most vital step. Return the pasta to the pot from which it was formed, and combine its powers with that of the sauce, pork, and vegetables! With all your might, toss the mixture whilest heating it over the stove until the unruly forces of the aggregation of ingredients have blended into a unified front of immaculate deliciousness! Raise thine forks to the sky, heroes, for thoust hath truly forged a meal worthy of a god!
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